Enjoying the Holidays with Food Allergies

The holidays are just around the corner and that means festivities including friends, family, fun, and (cringe)… food. That should be a happy thing, but for those with food “issues,” it can be really uncomfortable, emotionally and physically! Maybe this is the first year you have had to deal with having an intolerance or allergy at the holidays. I’m here to give you some tips on how to deal. Know how I know? ‘Cause I got issues, big time. Tack a big ol’ label on me: My issues? Celiac disease AND wheat and oat allergies (yes, they are different and yes I have them all!) Although I dearly miss the ability to eat anything, any time, it’s not the food itself I miss so much as the ease of social situations. Whether at home, work, school, a sports game, a party – most situations that involve a group of people getting together will also involve food. Then we, O Sufferers of Food Issues, need to field the unavoidable questions:

• Why aren’t you eating?
• Why don’t you just take the bread off?
• What happens if you eat some?
• Aren’t you hungry?

After enough, you are ready to announce, “Yes! I AM hungry as a matter of fact and I’m about to get hangry if you keep asking me questions about how hungry I am.” But you can’t do that so you play it cool like you aren’t hungry and you’ll be fine. Which, I mean, you will be. How to avoid this awkward situation in the first place? First, if you haven’t already, you simply must accept your food issues. If you can’t accept them, you will find yourself hangry at the world indefinitely. When you are diagnosed with a food allergy or intolerance, it’s totally okay to feel a sense of loss. I mean, no more restaurant crab rangoon? I’m still grieving that loss and it’s been almost 15 years since I last held that warm and tender pocket of rich and creamy goodness. Sigh. If you haven’t reached acceptance, the fifth stage of grief, take the time to let yourself go through the first four. What will this process look like? We’ll if you’re like me it’ll look like this:

1. Denial: “I’m sure a little bit is fine…” followed by days of gastrointestinal discomfort
2. Anger: A lot like hanger, but can happen at any time, regardless of satiety level. “WHY am I the unlucky chosen one to have a wheat allergy happen to me?! So-and-so doesn’t even LIKE bread, can’t SHE be allergic instead?”
3. Bargaining: “Maybe if I eat more liver pate I won’t feel so sad that I can’t put it on crackers.”
4. Depression: “Without wheat, I am nothing and no one and I have nothing to add to the world and I’m so high-maintenance no one will ever want to marry me.”
5. Acceptance: “This is my life and some foods are just not options for me. And someone, sometime, will be okay with that and marry me despite that fact.”

Trust the process, but do try to get through it before the holidays so you’re good on the acceptance piece. Now that you’ve accepted your food issues, you are much less likely to act out in a fit of anger or depression in front of the group, thus you are much less of a liability to your host. Speaking of your host: Be sure that you are in touch with your host about your food issues. Don’t feel bad about telling your host ahead of time – trust that they would much rather know ahead of time than to be surprised at the event when you are choosing to not partake. I can 100% guarantee that anyone with a soul will tell you “I wish I’d known!” So anticipate that desire in advance and let them know. Tell your host how you plan to handle your food issues; don’t tell your host how you expect him to handle it. The host will probably offer to make something that is friendly to your diet, but don’t expect him to. These are, after all, your issues. Offer to bring your own meal. Ensure the host you don’t expect him to accommodate you. Most people will try to insist and it’s up to you whether you want to accept their attempts at accommodating your needs. Here’s what that potentially awkward moment looks like for me, probably verbatim from an event sometime in my life:

Thanks so much for the invitation to Friendsgiving! It sounds like so much fun and I’m so excited to come. I wanted to give you a head’s up that I have very annoyingly severe food allergy to wheat, which is in pretty much everything, so I’m going to bring be couple of dishes to share and probably won’t take much from the other shared foods. Please, in no way feel like you need to do anything different for me. I’m totally fine to feed myself but I just wanted you to know so you don’t wonder why I’m not partaking in the other foods. Also, wine’s totally safe for me and that’s really the most important thing.

This is what is called using the sandwich method, saying something negative sandwiched between two positives to lessen the blow: Yay for Friendsgiving, ugh this allergy, yay for wine. Your host is glad you’re coming, they’re alarmed at the allergy, they laugh at your joke. Everyone is smiling, everyone knows about the food issue, and Friendsgiving planning goes off without a hitch. Let me also take a moment to say that of course wheat is not in everything as I told my host, not even close, and I do not generally feel like I have a lower quality of life due to my food issues. (Except for the crab rangoon thing.) It is true, however, that wheat and gluten can be in pretty much everything if you're not one to care about its presence or absence in your foods. I don't want you to feel like you have no choices if you have a food allergy. There is lots you can eat! Now let’s suppose you arrive at Friendsgiving and your host surprises you by having made all of the dishes safe for you to eat! Now what? You either approve or deny. You might make this call based on the severity of your allergy or intolerance. If you are like me with a very severe allergy, thank the host profusely first and foremost because that is so incredibly thoughtful and you have to know they probably did a bunch of Googling and recipe searching to arrive at conclusions of what to make. Always makes my heart swell. But I don’t want my throat to swell too, so I have to ask about labels. Here’s what that sounds like:

Oh my goodness! That is so thoughtful of you! I really appreciate the care you took to provide food safe for me. Could I be super annoying and ask if you still have the label for these crackers? I’m sorry. It’s just that my allergy is so severe that I feel most comfortable double-checking on things.

Depending on the person and situation, I may add “it’s much more embarrassing to ask about it now than to go to the hospital later,” which is totally true but may cause too much alarm so play this card carefully, and take this card out of play if your reaction won’t send you to the hospital anyway ‘cause that’s just not cool. Trust this is the right thing to do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been offered something safe for me, and then I check the label and see it’s not safe. I’ve actually seen ground cinnamon with wheat flour on the ingredient label! It’s incredible the places you’ll find allergens, so ask to see the labels. Again, it’s much less embarrassing to ask this favor than it is to be wheeled away on a gurney while everyone else awkwardly acts like they still have an appetite for turkey. You remember Will Smith's face in Hitch, right? Yeah, that's what my face looks like when I get wheated. For three days. You may read the label and see that yes, this hummus is gluten free and so are those crackers! But, alas, the host’s next door neighbor just dipped his sandwich bite in the hummus, rendering it no longer gluten free. Or you may see that while the cheese slices would be gluten free, they were cut on the same cutting board as the baguette others are enjoying. The ham is safe but it’s on a deli platter with crackers, the crumbs of which are everywhere. The rice noodles were cooked in the same water as the wheat noodles, after the wheat noodles. The mayonnaise in the deviled eggs came from a jar that had already been used for sandwiches, each dip of the knife contaminating the mayo with more and more gluten. The hard cider is safe but someone poured it in a glass that just had beer – not safe for you try. Here’s what it boils down to: Even if food seems like it should be safe, what do the labels read? If labels look good, what are the surroundings? It’ll take some practice but those with food allergies will soon develop a keen eye for points of cross-contamination. This is a journey. This holiday season isn’t going to be the last time you have to navigate social situations with food issues. You just have to accept the food issue and hold yourself responsible for your safety. Prepare for social situations in advance and communicate with the host or party planner. Pack a snack or meal if you aren’t confident about the food situation. Be grateful for any gesture of consideration taken regarding your food issue. And as always, “when in doubt, go without.”